Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
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Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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