hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
