My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm passing your future prison.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
