Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
