It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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