spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
