also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
