The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
