I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
