I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
