If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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