I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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