Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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