Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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