I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
