ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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