i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
