You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
