I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
