oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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