all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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