So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
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