Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.