So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
