I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
