Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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