If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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