If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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