i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
