Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
