You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
