just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
