There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
