My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
