i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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