I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
