i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
