Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
