My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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