Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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