Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
