We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
