I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
