No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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