I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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