It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
