His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
