i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
