ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
