Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
