Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
