Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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