quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
