I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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