defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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